Sugar

I've been trying really hard to cut sugar out of my diet and haven't had any for over a week. Like, I'm talking zero grams of sugar, not even fruit. (I'm following a low-carb South Beach diet. Eventually, I'll eat fruit again, but not until next week.)

Anywho, I'm over the headaches but tonight I had a breakdown of epic proportions and, at the time (and even a little bit now), I was pretty sure that the only thing that would make me feel better is cake or pie or candy (but cake would be best.)

But I didn't cave and I didn't eat anything sweet and I cried for about an hour and I still kind of want to stab myself or someone because—and I don't give a sh*t if this sounds pathetic—I feel really empty inside. Not stomach-growling-empty, but lonely-empty.

I know sugar and carbs (the bad kind) and cakey things are drugs and people who overeat use them to fill voids. But I didn't realize the extent to which these things filled the void until tonight. I am an emotional eater. I eat when I'm sad. I eat when I'm lonely. I eat when I'm mentally blocked. I eat when I'm bored. Eating makes me happy and fixes everything. And tonight, for a moment during my breakdown, I actually thought I'd rather eat cake and be fat and gross and alone for the rest of my life than deal with the actual problem at hand without it. That's how much I wanted it—how pathetic is that?

Anyway, sorry to ramble. And sorry if this doesn't make any sense; it's more stream of consciousness and I'm f*cking hungry.