If You Happened to Be in SoHo Yesterday...

I have a totally gross story.

A TOTALLY gross story.

Like if you get grossed out easily, STOP READING.

My dog Beverly was sitting on the couch yesterday, doing her thing. And by "doing her thing" I mean licking her thing. She was cleaning up down there... you know what I'm saying?

When she was done, she looked up at me, all scraggly-faced. Yes, she had done some serious spring cleaning down there and had the wet face to prove it. To show you what I mean, here's a photo of her that was taken on a different day, right after she drank a bunch of water:

And a close-up:



She looked pretty much the same way yesterday right after cleaning her thing.

 

So now flash forward thirty minutes or so. I had to run an errand so I was on Broadway in SoHo, heading south. Bev was with me, sitting in her bag. (There are too many people on the street for her to walk. She gets freaked out.) Here's a photo of her in her bag, taken on a different day. Her head kind of hangs out of it.


Okay, enter a woman. A woman who likes puppies. A LOT. A woman who likes puppies so much, in fact, that she allows them to kiss her on the face.

Everything happened so fast... One second this woman was like, "Oh, you're so cute!" and the next second she was bending down, putting her face up to Beverly's, letting Bev lick her. I didn't even have a chance to pull the bag away.

When the woman eventually stood back up, I just stared at her for a bit with my mouth slightly ajar. I didn't know what to say—I was speechless—but all I was thinking was, You poor thing... you have Yorkie vagina all over your face and you don't even know it.

I told you to stop reading if you get grossed out easily.

There's a reason I'm sharing this story with you. There's a lesson here. In fact, this post should be required reading in schools all across America. This post should be published on page one of The New York Times.

DON'T EVER LET A STRANGE DOG LICK YOU ON THE FACE.

I don't care how cute it is.

It may have recently licked its vagina.

To the woman in SoHo yesterday who became intimate with my Yorkie (you were walking on the east side of Broadway, heading north toward Houston around 6pm), if you're reading this, the next time you feel inclined to walk up to a strange dog and let it lick your face, you might want to ask the owner if it's okay first. I would've said no.

UPDATE: This post was linked on Gawker. Thanks!