Last week I watched a special on VH1 called the "40 Most Shocking Celebrity Mug Shots" and when it was over—call me crazy—I found myself wanting a mug shot of my very own. Everyone has one these days—they're kind of like the new black—and this Nicole Richie DUI arrest on Monday only fueled my desire.
Not only do I think mug shots are sexy, but the actual act of taking one seems kind of exciting, like a gamble. You only get one chance at making it good, so do you look up? Down? Do you smile? Cry? Do you appear remorseful? Innocent? Vulnerable? Menacing?
Personally I like mug shots that say, "Yeah, I got caught... but I had a damn good time." Like Kimora Lee Simmons', for example...
I'm not so crazy about mug shots that say, "I shouldn't be in jail, I should be in a mental ward." Like Glen Campbell's...
I don't just want a mug shot—I think I deserve one. I've had two run-ins with the law in my lifetime* and pretty much got off both times—it's about time someone teaches me a lesson. Anyway, I'm hoping to have one by the end of the year. So to all the booking-hungry NYC cops out there, keep an eye out for me. I'm going to be living life on the edge in the coming weeks. In addition to plain ole jaywalking, I might jump lines at the subway, buy and use illegal drugs openly on the street, or peep into my neighbors' windows late at night. I'm also considering doing these other things, which have all resulted in a photo-op...
- Beating up an NBA star
- "Freeing incarcerated crustaceans"
- Disturbing the peace by playing bongos naked in my apartment
- Faking my own abduction
- Stapling my scrotum to my thigh in public (oh, wait - I don't have a scrotum. But I could staple someone else's scrotum to their thigh. Volunteers?)
- Running over some people
I'll keep you posted as to any progress I make. Peace out.
*The first run-in occurred when I was just 17 years old. My parents were out of town so I invited some friends over for beer and fun on a Slip 'N' Slide. The evening's festivities got a wee bit out of hand when a male friend began Slip 'N' Sliding naked. At the same time, the 10-year-old daughter of an uptight neighbor looked out the window, saw his penis flapping in the breeze, and began crying hysterically. Her mom called the police and I ended up getting a ticket for disorderly conduct because it was my party. Bitches. Both of them.
My court date was a big to-do in the neighborhood. The family attorney was called in, and other, more friendly neighbors came to defend me. After my sister swore to the judge that my male friend wasn't naked, but was wearing thin khaki shorts that, when wet, made him look like he was naked, the case was dismissed.
My mother was sure having a record for disorderly conduct would jeopardize my future, so she was relieved. Looking back now, sharing this story with others has helped me win friends through the years, not lose them. Anyway, my second run-in with the law occurred in college when I was caught for underage drinking. I got a ticket and had to pay a fine, the whole thing was pretty uneventful.